difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

Sometimes, you may find that you're holding a grudge even if you're doing so unintentionally. And its SPOT ON. Because really, what can you feel guilty about or worried what they (ACs) think? DONT. teachable- As you know and have counseled people for yearstheres no making sense of nonsense. I would not have been in contact with her this time, except that she was getting a hip replacement and my sister begged me to go to the hospital so she wouldnt have to be with mother alone. After spending years with someone to have no last words at all is bizarre. Bless you for your response. I think it is fine that he knows that I do not think hes a good guy deserving of me letting bygones be bygones. But I did. In fact, I have had a feeling for a while that there may be a lot there that Id better not know. Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation. But it took that, and a revelation of a year old affair that he confessed to that finally made me step away.But I did it with emails seeking validation to which he replied saying sorry, but did not stop keeping in touch and hanging out everyday with 2 of my friends, one of them a woman. Its a good time to find out who your friends are and who are not for some people certainly make you out to be the grudge-bearing sourpuss- which does affect me so I try not to think about itYes, would love Nat to post on this. Its driving me a bit crazy! Thank you. If we combine this information with your protected Since the break up months ago I have remained silent (of course they want you to do this) but I just cant be bothered to state my case anymore. So many things I still want to say to him. And not to take me out either, but asking if I would take him out. .and, I believe forgiveness starts with us, first. Its been three years since we parted and I no longer feel pain over what happened. If your first reaction is negative, it's likely that there is an underlying reason that you feel that way, even if you can't recall what that reason is.". I guess, Ive been so unwilling to accept that theres no future. I dont wish them damnation as their salvation really is the best revenge. It is hard to imagine being free and clear someday. I want to contact him less frequently. Key points Holding a grudge is often, in part, an attempt to get the comfort and compassion one didn't get in the past. There's a difference between "forgiving" and moving on. Anyways my first thought was to text him and tell him I forgive you and there are no hard feeling since our last interaction 7 wks ago me telling him to stop calling, it made me feel super guilty and I felt bad for him. I hope we all reach this state and continue NC (and if we fall off, get right back on). It doesnt mean you need to have hateful feelings towards them, but its just sheer survival instinct on your end to step away from the nonsense. All of the progressromancebeautymagic was gone when he decided to undo everything by taking some heavy-duty drugs, and denying same while tremors beset his face and hands, and while perseverating while rocking in his seat. Of course you can forgive them, but theres no need to find them as the relationship is over. Teachable, I would block his email on Facebook. Theres no reason for him to think otherwise, anyway, because Ive been a stellar companion. Do you think its mature behavior? Elsevier; 2018. https://www.clinicalkey.com. You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. Despite your best efforts, it's impossible not to be hurt or disappointed by loved ones at some point in your life. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. While we don't often like to admit it, holding a grudge is a common way some people respond to feeling that they've been wronged. Take a minute. Im not sure I forgive by socio path father yet. He got the ego stroke or attention he was after. Ill just have to get past this, but yes it hurts. Are you sure it wouldnt be an excuse to stay connected? =), Tink,JustHer & Courtney. Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you're on the go. My mother, who is in poor health and very demanding and lazy, expected me to step into my grandmothers role of basically being her punching bag. 2020; doi:10.11124/JBISRIR-D-19-00286. Im confused. Yes, you are correct-breaking the no contact would be a way in which to stay connected and see if yet there is a chance he will commit and to communicate my hurt and anger. I used to give to both ACs too many chances, did they change, did I change?! I have to learn to forgive me for not being beautiful, desirable enough to get a high quality dude to actually want to live here with me. It has been found difficult and left untried. If it were easy, everyone would be one, ya know? A truly, kind, genuine man, would not refer to women as loose and sluts, or joke about having many on the go. That means behaving in their ultimate best interests. If youre mostly concerned with the other person understanding where you were coming from and ensuring that they see your side of things, thats another potential sign that you might be holding a grudge. This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information: verify here. This has been my biggest weakness! Grudges are toxic to relationships. so I dropped him. Lets call sin by its name, shall we? Dont have to make a big scene, just not be free to meet up as often. You will be taking two steps backwards and questioning everything you may say in the text, email etc. I do still have thoughts of having a final dinner with him someday, though What is wrong with me?!! Running upto women and then checking them out, the slurs, even in jest.dont you remember how many times many of us are told oh lighten up its just a JOKE ? Thank you. She left me a voice mail message one day when I didnt do something for her fast enough. This isnt the Hokey Cokey (or Pokey)! Of course, they object when you point it out. Im sure she doesnt know he overlapped us for many months at the least. You dont need anyone like that in your life. This is great! But if you feel like you need to (or want to) cancel plans with someone, you might want to reflect a bit more on the reason why. Yet he wanted to to be friends with me and kept emailing calling after we broke up. I simply remembered that episode because the nerdy guy was acting totally EUM and I felt the girl could do so much better just like us BR readers who chase after EUMS. I agree that we probably agree more than Im realizing becausewellIm confused about what you mean. Yoghurt- Thank you. I felt so stupid and violated. But often the most challenging aspect of getting hurt is letting go of any lingering resentment after you forgive them. The last time I saw him was a few hours after he left my bed and he had an actual girlfriend in his We had a several year long r/s, including living together that had been dialed back to living separately and dating. I screamed obscenities at him on his doorstep and went NC and remained that way until this recent contact. He told me i would fall to pieces if he left, and I feared that he might be right. You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. But he actually destroyed my confidence by denying me affection, respect, and appreciation and was deaf to me.completely stone deaf. Something she could have easily done herself. but a lot of whether or not you feel forgiving comes down to whats happened that day, what youve eaten, your hormones and all manner of things that you cant do a lot about. Kudos to You! A hustler respects the process and knows what it really takes to achieve the seemingly impossible, while grinders often hate because they don't understand how to similarly master the game. I appreciate your imput. I believe moving onto the next guy is a way to avoid this and has the potential to keep you stuck, not to mention that it is not respectful to new guy when you are essentially emotionally unavailable to him. I will not hold a grudge and I will not press the reset button. He is capable of seeking attention and some uncommitted sex. Feeling bitter, ignoring that person, getting angry about unrelated things, and thinking about them negatively are all signs you could still be holding a grudge. Your words give me validation that I will get past this, I am headed in the right direction & yes Tink, I ended the BS, forever. I really do think he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I kinda believe they dont want the nc so they can just check we have forgiven them so they feel validated to carry on their merry way.my ex doesnt even bother texting me but will reply to me if I text him. Last off-topic ramble, I promise!!!!!! 0 While I am the queen of holding a grudge, Penn couldn't be more opposite. I guess the attraction is that hes intelligent and I thought he was a nice guy. But working on forgiveness can lessen that act's grip on you. He has nursed a grudge against his former boss for years. Listen to it. I will not let this experience defeat me. I AM afraid of being told (again) either implicitly or explicitly that I am selfish I know my ex has set me up for that and is oh so careful to always appear the good guy especially to our kids. and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. A grudge often leads to burnout because it is the result of internalizing strong emotions and failing to decide what to do. Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. information submitted for this request. I guess this is why I ruminate so long about what to do because once I reach the final decision its iretrieveable. I am and will always be a person of extremes. And I dont think that my post said differently. Then he asked me to think about it and decide what to do (whether to try to stay friends or cut contact, etc.). can not afford to buy the book please contact Nicholas and he will give you a free copy.) Its not all about day one or week one for the book, and I dont want to resent it or myself. Why? It also shows that we shouldnt judge those who keep saying Why cant you just leave him? The Connection Between ADHD & Forgiveness. But I fear that I can slip anyday, and become trusting/gullible or a people pleaser and this post reminds me not to. Holding a grudge keeps them safe from further injury. Silva RS, et al. Carry on!! And my ex is sort of like yourssmiley and nice, genial and willing to help. I have to say thanks to Natalies posts, and all your comments and support, I feel a whole lot stronger. Hes not a nice guy and I allowed him to treat me like shit and get away with it.Infact, Im not even polite when I see him now I respond with a Hey because thats all he gives me and I am getting over thinking I am being a bitch for acting this way. There usually seems to be some very black and white ideas that people have about forgiveness and what it entails. ReadyforChange, I would advise you not to break NC. Love made you and love freed you, so never think that it is not meant for you.. He did make you genuinely happy for a time, I remember that. Frustrating! Or unhealthy? MY goal now is to toughen up and understand that I have my own needs they are completely VALID and that I deserve to have them met either by myself or in the relationships I have at whatever level. Perhaps thats wrong and Im inflexible or maybe too flexible with maintaining my borders, I dont know. Id be cutting my nose off to spite my face. When u end it. Done! FLUSH. You do not need to get closure from him, there is nothing he can say which may help but Im not sure. When we hold a grudge, we. No-one else can do it for you or feel what you feel. Any thoughts? You dont have the reserves necessary to consider other people at this stage and this is understandable given what you are dealing with emotionally. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. I hear you. Aw mymble, I didnt know it was so bad. I need to leave it alone, and stop feeling like I have to DO SOMETHING. I dont care if im feeling sorry for myself. It sounds like youre dismissing the red flags because you are attracted to him. Its also not a punishment. It is OKAY to like someones personality better than my exs. Write a reverse thought that sends the power back to you (for example, if youre focusing on your exs harem, write about how there is nobody who is exactly like you in the world. None of these are likely. Nat This post was interesting to read as I am 2yrs out of a break-up & happy to be single most of the time but there are times when the past relationship or should I say the EX-EUM still haunts my thoughts. At first, I tried to play it cool. Why spend that much time and energy its because theres still a grudge.. You may be drawn to him, but ask yourself why at this point. I am going to be me and be in this true reality that I have found post-relationship. Did I learn lessons along the way? The only reason he wants to contact you is to make HIMSELF feel better. You maintain your dignity with silence. I still get triggered and I still walk around on eggshells. But that isn't always the case. Ask yourself, is charm enough to sustain you? Grudges prevent someone from moving on from past wrongdoings. Meaning: You won't forget what she did. I dont think he sounds like a good catch. But I had let my sister listen to it. Trauma refers to your physical and emotional response to experiencing harm or violation. No. I would definitely encourage you to watch this. They say, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. It takes skill and practice to get good at that, I believe. There is a guy interested, but I can see inspite of his efforts, emotionally disconnected and I feel fragmented after spending too much time with him, at least I dont feel emotionally nourished. Please trust yourself. I work alone and am not in a relationship. They're suffering from an emotional imbalance, which therapy might help. I worked SO hard trying to make the relationship work while he either withdrew emotionally while he attacked and blamed me. Talking through things with the person in question or working through things with the assistance of a trained professional can help you move forward, once and for all. Not that youre planning to be persuaded by him, but remember his wanting to be friends is code for sex. Although not of a religious bent I overdid the turn the other cheek and forgive and give the benefit of the doubt thing. Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. Then you think you can trust yourself, this time. Many people who grew up churched have no idea of whats out there. Yet, He forgives. Feeling assured he aint a bad man assclown who messed me up.because im plesant to him. So insensitive I just cant believe it. The Golden Rule. Just clarifying my thoughts! Narc with more baggage than an airport. Ive now had a couple months with the MM at work having gotten the message and having backed completely off. Lessons were learned & I am working on me & my EU tendencies which have been there since childhood I am guessing. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions. If you feel uncomfortable, dont stick around. I have suffered with obsessive thoughts and cognitive dissonance for years with this AC! "We don't hold grudges in this family" = I am in charge and I say you can't hold this against me. I know I have to make a 100% break because its painful to laugh and joke or get into stimulating convos over the phone when I know that he doesnt want to see me because hes avoiding physical intimacy. Ask yourself about the circumstances that may have led the other person to behave in such a way. It feels so awful not to handle things well and to lose so much confidence. The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how they have affected others. . I also have a revenge fantasy of accepting his invitation and allowing him to seduce me one last time so I can leave him naked and stranded while I deliver his clothes and personal effects to his wife, LOL!!! *Get a journal. It is just getting through the days, not checking phone, email etc. Your comment as presented reads to me that you are not really considering how all this may affect new guy. Just meet some one else fast. I too agree we should avoid hurting others the way weve been hurt. But I dont forget, so I just suck up the awkward icy cordial thing when I see his wife now. I finally learned the lesson that I should of learned then. Maybe he was just showing off to his friends, I dont know. Kit-Kat, I suffer from the same problem. They prevent the other party from repairing the relationship. There is no sense. And the kids seem fine too. I havent posted for a while as I am doing pretty damn good, finally told him that I would not tolerate any more contact after he had said I was his friend and always would be.ahem I said, I am an ex who you cheated on, who you then asked to be the bit on the side to your new woman and who you then bullshitted about wanting to get back together withthat every word out of his mouth was a lie and I did not need or want someone in my life like that, not even as a friend and that there had come a time in my life where I had to say no to being crapped on and I was doing it now.so yep nothing heard from him in the last 7 days, long may it last but even if it doesnt I finally feel for the first time in 9 long months that I have the backbone to just ignore him now and I will no longer bury things deep like I was asked to everytime he had a bit of assclown behaviour. You can't force someone to forgive you. All of this led to a fight and unremitting denials about his perceived drug use before he drove off. I also dont think asses make good friend material. The Miracle is possible! This reminds me of the dance AC whom I recently brushed off as having a flirting fetish and who my mother insisted liked me (so I let my guard down an inch). In the end, I didnt go to the reunion. These people are practicing these things willfully and maliciously. As a recovering people pleaser, Im done with jumping through hoops trying to prove myself to unpleasable people. Thanks for reminding us of that . 5. I think that once I get this off my chest ILL be able to move on and not seethe with anger silently at how I was treated. Good people should allow a person to have as many chances as they ask for' and when our typical mode is people pleaser who worries too much about what everyone else thinks and silences their true self to follow 'shoulds' laid down by the inner critic, we go against ourselves. I was so surprised with his sudden change of behavior toward me, that I mistook it for his dropping his act. It makes me sick to think how easily I fall into thinking hes a nice guy and that I am not as nice person for thinking unkind (true) thoughts. I cannot be held responsible for a guy not having a backbone :-)! Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. PS Mymble I think being in this kind of relationship where we began to doubt ourselves, where we were with these nice passive aggressive guys is crazy making in very very sutble ways- I understand more of that now. Where does this nasty piece of work get off I wonder? I am only 3 weeks into NC with my 2 year relationship. Yes, I have served our homeless community and havent always liked it but did it anyway, didnt think of comparing it to forgiveness but you are absolutely right. He expressed his resentment of the new policies. %PDF-1.6 % You just gotta listen and watch. I didnt break her yet?. This is the first time ever -that I have felt that way. ;)). Grudges are toxic to relationships. Having to go somewhat underground, watching my back, getting legal involved and emotionally bottoming out. If never letting go of slights is referred to as holding grudges, what's it called when you'll always remember a kindness someone did you? The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user. I really love BR. I had both forgiven and forgotten. Advertising revenue supports our not-for-profit mission. I am thinking he cheated on me and still has someone in his life and that is why he is not contacting me. There are some tips Ive learned which may or may not work for you but I hope theyll lead to a better understanding of how we can refocus our thoughts. Lavendar, when people tell you who they are.believe them. Sometimes I honestly think that there is a type of person who gets abused and I was just one of those but she showed us that there is no such thing, anyone can be a victim. ago. Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. It was not a playful act, its who he was. Dont take your first attempt. you deserve the best! 2021; doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.656689. He emailed last night and it didnt make me feel better. This again pulls the focus back on you and makes you look forward to the future. The irony is that people who dont want you to remember are the most likely to use their own recollection of things to their advantage. I know this was ridiculously LONG, but through a lot of growing pains and perspective, thats what made sense to me. Jesus told us to love one another as He has loved us. It breaks my heart a bit. Sandy- my daughter felt the same w my ex AC. My gut says he is married or in a relationship. Ill let you know how it goes.