Yes, this is the stuff a 7th grade girl needs to hear to boost her self-esteem. Also hi BGM. He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). I just wanted to point out that even though the LW says the dad rolls his eyes and makes comments about how their behavior annoys him, we dont know the context of that. Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? Theres even more scripted shows re: that sort of thing. He may feel like hes being left out or that he isnt good enough for his daughter. I tried to go fishing with my dad a few times when I was younger and it was the most boring thing on the planet. Sometimes it can be a simple matter of communication, or a lack thereof. Lastly, he should NEVER tell his daughter that things she likes annoy him. Dream! The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. My husband has driven our children away with his dictatorial behaviour 04 May, 2019 01:00 You need to be gentle but honest with your friend about her crush MY HUSBAND is not an emotional. Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California. You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. Will he ever change? Yes. How to Make a Girl Chase You Over Text After Sex, mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter, reason is that hes trying to save his daughter, My Boyfriend And His Daughter Act Like A Couple (10 Solutions), Boost Your Friends Mood with These Short Positive Affirmations, Why Some People Are Jealous of Your Success, 110 Millionaire Affirmations to Attract Wealth, 10 Ways To Get a Busy Man to Make Time for Love, 51 Emotional Wellness Goals to Transform Your Life. Up to a point. I was so bad at the sports I was enrolled in that I would cry and beg not to go back, because I was the worst and everyone let me know it. You dont have to be your daughters fellow geek and her best friend to have a good relationship. Hes a good person, but our relationship as two adults is not a close one and at times feels forced on my end because I still dont know how to be myself around him. Talk about making a little go a very long way. Intimate partners count on each other to maintain a sane interaction. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_16',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_17',128,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-1-multi-128{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}If your daughter is still young, she may not be ready to see you with anyone other than her biological father. I think you should take Wendys advice about showing interest in your husbands hobbies (hoping your daughter will take your lead), but you could also talk to your husband. Dont talk negatively about her father. You have to admit, its kind of fun catching and reeling in the fish. But it isnt you guys against him. What is this site, a Masters program? Twelve year old take everything personally, so if hes saying I hate your favorite book, its so annoying, shes probably hearing, Youre stupid for liking that, even when its not what he means. Basically, I had never been the kid he wanted, and he eventually snapped and took it out on me. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. He is clearly not getting the message. Others see him as a bully and a hole. She may not be interested in that stuff NOW, but it can sure come in handy later. Thats probably what her daughter is reacting to, and she probably sees her father as a bully. You didnt cause the problem, and you cant fix it. Saying they were weird made me feel like the lesser for having been touched by their stories. I mean, you cant FORCE a kid to like camping. I still think hes acting out like a child. YES! The Substitute Wife: My Poor Husband is a Billionaire novel Chapter 89 Take Them All Away . Her husband could be one of those people. Maybe shell end up in the entertainment industry, or become a writer. The How I Met Your Father star welcomed her son, Luca, with ex-husband Mike Comrie in 2012. You know what, I thought you were going to lay in hard when I first started reading, and I was thinking to myself Oh fuck, hes going to hit on all her worst innermost thoughts and shes just going to run screaming away from DW but frankly, I think you are completely right. My mom and I both liked movies, reading, pop culture, and shopping. Yeah, ditching a piano recital where the child is performing a talent or whatever is different from rolling your eyes at a TV show they like. I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. We were never close because by the time I was a teenager, I felt like I couldnt be my own person around him and like I was always walking on eggshells so as not to pick the wrong activity to occupy myself with. I dont know that I really have a favorite anymore I just like that theyre together again. MY HUSBAND is not an emotional man and has always found it difficult to talk about how he feels. These were followed up by hours and hours of This Old House, which we were required to sit through for family time but we werent allowed to speak at all during the show, lest my father miss something. Good luck! They do need the help of their partners to learn to love in this new way. By all accounts this 12 year old has healthy, varied, age-appropriate interests and Im not sure why dad cant serve a little honey with his vinegar. **Disclaimer, I am a HUGE fan of the Original Star Wars films and even buy toys from those films when I am depressed which means I have an ALARMINGLY large collection. Its not cool that Dad is rolling his eyes at his daughters interests and hobbies. For example, I taught my theatre kids The Crucible this year. Also have to add that her father probably doesnt realize it, but at that age I felt like criticism of what I took an interest in was equal to criticism of myself. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. I totally get it, but shes just got to snap out of it and team up with Dad. My feeling is that its closer to the first scenario, and the LW is making it seem worse than in is. Yes, I know firsthand how much some Buffy fans just need to shut up about that blasted show. I mean, maybe? Actually, my husbands a pretty big fanboy in general. In her mind, hes the only man who should be in your life and she may feel like shes losing him if you get divorced. Hes so dreamy, if not annoyingly alpha-male-y. I got the same vibe you did. Hold on there, NKOTB are STILL awesome! but this might be the best Ive ever read here. Thinks hes hilarious). I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. Im not trying to argue with you Mark, I see your point and agree with much of it I just think its possible that the daughter is the one who introduced Mom to some of these things, and Mom became a fan. I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree. July 2, 2013, 1:27 pm. I still find it hysterical that they incorporated a rivalry between Tim and Bob Vila in that show. So if you lend your car to your best friend, your sister or even your second cousin, your insurance is most often the insurance that will pay in the event of an accident. One of these people is an adult and one of these people is twelve. However, now as an adult, he appreciates my intelligence and how much thought and research I put into topics, even if we dont agree. Ive been following you for years and while I dont always agree with your answers I think this was the most misguided and off the mark. Not from Scranton either! Discuss that there are other things to talk about sure. Which I think is terrible and it really upsets me when she says this. Additionally, she may worry that if she stays in an unhappy marriage like yours, it will damage her relationship with her future spouse. The way he is reminds me of my dad who, when I was growing up, if I was doing something HE didnt see the value in like I was watching the wrong shows on TV (GARBAGE, hed call it), for example would force me to turn it off. Encourage her to have fun with him. painted_lady My dad probably had no interest in my piano recitals or spelling bees, but he sure knew how to act like they were the most important things in the world to him. Heck, I even had a stringer attached to my waders. Is It True? Its a question many mothers ask themselves: why is my husband driving my daughter away? Absolutely Dad! My parents did stuff with me because I wanted to and vice versa, of course thats important! Or find something neutral. Id even argue that as the adult here, he should be putting in more of an effort to accept her for who she is and take an interest in what she likes, instead of the other way around. In the past, every day held exciting discoveries about the one whose ring you now wear on your finger. Well-intentioned, devoted partners of crazy-making people can become obsessed with trying to find the magic potion that will make their partners happy and appreciative of their efforts. My Dad and I had similar interests so it was real easy to build a relationship with him with my sister not so much, he didnt know how to relate to her as she had all the same interests as my mother. My dad said to me that the best thing you can do as a parent is expose your kid to all of their options and let them decide from there. Our daughter just turned thirteen and she loves Star Trek, Dr. Who, Cat Warriors, fantasy books, theater and acting and swimming. Yeah, the letter makes me really concerned for their marriage. June 30, 2022 by Team The Relationship Notes. And they never put down my interests (which at the moment are the same as the LWs). No we're not on speaking terms after he decided to sell his grandmother's home (my wife's mother) instead of keeping it. July 2, 2013, 12:31 pm, Happy birthday to your mom! July 2, 2013, 12:43 pm, Shes 12 at what age are you supposed to be more able to enjoy mindless pop culture!?! It's never easy when feelings like this are not returned, but she needs to accept that a relationship with this guy seems to be a non-starter. As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move. Id love to hang out with her. Yeah, unless you get something you cant do like spell backwards while jumping on one foot, then it just sucks, and you feel stupid. Huge difference one is laughing with you, one is laughing at you and I think when your daughter is 12 and you are having trouble getting along that it is on the adult/father to go the extra mile and make sure that you arent being a jackass in an effort to be humorous. than it is to have fun with them although you should have fun while doing so. Sometimes those things just happen. They loved the entire concept and they loved the show. Only one parent here is enforcing assignments on their child. And yeh I hated going to home depot with my dad but I know a lot more about home maintenance than some people. Definitely! Unless you are from PA, of course. Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? So now our oldest daughter is 16 and . I agree with you, again. Think "he's a big boy" "He's a grown man. My interests are pretty close to hers (and yours!) Unfortunately for your husband, its not as easy for him to nurture his relationship with his adolescent daughter and rather than helping him and by extension, your daughter create a closer parent-child bond, you seem to be almost delighting in the Us Against Him mentality you share with your daughter (we look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him, etc.). Her mission is to share practical and realistic parenting advice to help the parenting community becoming stronger. And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. How frustrating for your husband that you have turned your daughter into a clone of all the things about you that are probably annoying to him Things he has quietly tolerated for years But now are somehow totally taking OVER your lives. To do that, I think she has to be less invested in making sure child is 100% happy 100% of the time and I think she has to rationally explain to her husband how some of his actions are being perceived. All of these are better that watching the Kardashians find new ways to make money or reading magazines that criticize stars beach bodies. Other times, it may be something more complicated, such as unresolved feelings of jealousy or resentment. I was an athlete and a complete girly girl (still am), so my dad got his sports buddy and princess in one child my sister was not into sports or girly things. Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. I thought Wendys first sentence was actually pretty snotty which surprised the heck out of me. lbh based on the LWs description do you really think this is the same as your experience? Even if they like different kinds of books (fantasy vs. history, for example), if they both like to read, Dad can take her to Barnes & Noble and buy her a novel and a cup of coffee. When they are able to see the. Jake O'Kane: Is the DUP really going to sink the Assembly and reject the Windsor Framework? All of this has tended to push her (and me, to some extent) away from him. I camped. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-medrectangle-3','ezslot_1',103,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-medrectangle-3-0'); My daughter seems to resent my husband, and my husband just doesnt seem to know how to connect with her. And, yes, you ARE being greedy, because as much as your daughter may genuinely enjoy your time together pursuing interests you both share, she is missing out on a relationship with her dad and all the things he can teach her through his interests. Nip . bittergaymark Its great that the LW naturally shares so much with her daughter, but the girl needs to spend time with her father as well, even if it doesnt seem like the most interesting thing at the time. Required fields are marked *. Too little time to post! Heck Yes! Awesome show full of information. I think most people worry about their daughters if they arent active enough and lay around watching tv or reading too much. Shes interested in piano, archery, musicals and science fiction. The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. A few years from now this guys daughter interests may have changed, but she wont be bothering to talk to him about it or anything at all, most likely. Instead of, I want you to read this by this day, and then well have a talk, how about, I found this and thought it was interesting. Shes all the better for it. Moreover, his interests could actually I dunno help make her a more well rounded person. Spyglassez July 2, 2013, 11:56 am. How the Courts Respond to Parental Substance Use. As a kid, I was really into the idea of going to museums and seeing plays, but my parents refused to indulge me on it because they wanted me to like the outdoors, hunting, etc. FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. I get that maybe he feels like an alien within you & daughters girl bubble, but the way to fix that is not to strong-arm her into liking National Geographic. Older and (hopefully) wiser And he lived 10 minutes away from us. Soulmate Initial On Left Thumb? Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. I forgive you!. It gives them a model for their own m, kerrycontrary It may be up to this mom to protect her daughter, especially if the fights she describes keep getting worse. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). So I was just assuming it happened similarly for LW and her daughter. Seriously, though I obviously realize the error of my ways now My point being that while my dad exposed me to things that interested him, he also jumped feet first into things that interested me and NEVER EVER made me feel silly or stupid because I was a 12 year old who liked things that other 12 year olds did. I realized at a young age that compromise was an important thing in a relationship. I went to on a three week roadtrip with her last spring (LA to New Orleans) a year ago in January And then we went to Bali for two weeks. LW, you and your husband are a team. Who knows? Have you read Tumblr recently? Hey, that kind of worked for me. Yeah, and you definitely dont win the parenting award when you focus more on getting your kid to be your ally, as opposed to sticking up for your child. You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here. Ive definitely think Ive learned more from my daughter than shes learned from me. I would have been more open to doing different things if I wasnt told that there was something wrong or bad about the interests I did have. However, he is an adult and should know that assignments will not help them grow close. I strongly agree with this. For some reason I keep imagining LWs husband as Red Foreman and her daughter as Eric. PostedOctober 22, 2014 temperance 1. Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. More my daughter is a student and is not working right now, so i don't have her paying. I literally didnt know that the wonders of Classic Rock existed until I got to college. The dad is setting the tone for the relationship here and it is one of disrespect for anything that isnt your own interest and his daughter is probably picking up that attitude and acting in a reciprocal way. And imagine the lesson you would have learned if your dad had rolled his eyes at your piano recital, etc. Express your love and offer your help as opportunities arise. Forget it. Listen, this dad sounds exactly like my dad when I was 12, down to insisting I be more competitive, and why cant I play sports, and so on. HA! Related- History Channel has some great programming thats HIGHLY educational but fun to watch. Saying later that night will you ask the spagetti head to pass the salt IS making fun of their child and it is healthy. I read baby sitter club books and was part of the official fan club. And my dad is so crazy into going to my games Walter said he was yelling his head off at the last one. Thanks temp! As time went by, your belief that you had any influence at all was fading. He went to jail for beating up his new wife and hurting her little boy. In all honestly though, I call up my dad now to hear about all of the new great bands out there! July 2, 2013, 3:55 pm, Damn, this is like the last thing I would think commenters would get all riled up and defensive over , 6napkinburger I was afraid the BS stood for something else. Try to find something that they can both enjoy, maybe small doses of togetherness at first. The thing is, what the father is doing is rude. But the most consistent and deep internal driver is the terror of being controlled. . July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm. How does an interest in science and creativity equal boring? I dont care that much about baseball, but my dad is a fanatic so I played catch with him in the backyard and had fun because we were spending time together. That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. I hated, and still do, all of those things. That means theres a common ground there, even if its the size of a postage stamp. Shes not talking about the Kardashians, but is talking about shows/books that mature, intelligent adults like. . Try to get him to nix the assignments things (because, I mean, UGH) and remind him that shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. I had the same experience at college! If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. Of course its going to drive her away from him. So, tell your husband to make an effort with her rather than making her feel like shit about her choices. I think what Wendy is missing in her response is dealing with the fathers attitude towards his daughters interests. But in college I fell in love with art history and now I actually take days off work to go visit art museums! This can look like moving to a far away place, convincing you your. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. lets_be_honest He is dedicated and hard-working. Sci-Fi is a great gateway to get kids interested in sciencethere was a museum exhibit traveling around called Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination, and theres a similar one about Indiana Jones and archaeology.